Big brother is watching reruns.

Thanks in advance for contacting us. We hope to be able to assist you in a timely and effective manner. We'll be better able to do so for users who observe the following guidelines.

  1. Spam blockers: If you have a spam blocker on your e-mail account, please be sure to add the domain to your white list or permission list immediately. Our incoming mail filters trap all automatic mail — we will not receive a verification request from your spam blocker, and as such we will not be able to respond to it. If you don't unblock us, you will not receive our reply.

  2. Need software support? Our general e-mail form deals with issues such as questions about our web pages, basic pre-sales matters, order fulfillment problems and other non-technical things. Please see our Software Support page if you need help with your Alchemy Mindworks software.

    Yes, we know it's a longer form to complete — the information the software support page collects will assist our support staff in resolving your problem.

  3. Lost your registration code? You can recover a lost registration code at our Lost Registration Code Finder.

  4. Be clear, concise and understandable: We're here to help, but we're unlikely to be able to do so if we can't understand what you're asking. Please explain what you're writing about so someone who has no idea what's going on can understand it.

    Avoid the use of abbreviations and jargon.

    While some of the people who work here claim to be clairvoyant — not that we wholly believe them in this regard — it's a mistake to assume that one of them will be available to answer your message.

    In addition, please avoid typing all in upper case — which is really difficult to read — and stay away from the controls in your mail reader that let you enlarge your text until it's the size of a hippopotamus with an impulse-control problem, or all in bright pink.

    Keep in mind that someone will have to look at your message when it arrives.

  5. Be polite: Software problems can be frustrating at times, but it's a mistake to take them personally. Please don't address our support staff in a rude or abusive manner. Doing so will not get you a resolution to whatever you've contacted us about.

    Our support staff are not permitted provide service to users who are rude, abusive or incoherent, and they are required to terminate support sessions that become nasty.

    It's also worth noting that our support staff don't make decisions about how Alchemy Mindworks runs, and if your message sounds like it was written by an enraged hamster, they're profoundly unlikely to pass it along to anyone who does.

    If your message includes anything that might be construed as a threat, including threats of physical harm, threats of legal action, threats to hack our software or our servers or threats to contact someone in charge and bring about the dismissal of the staff member in question — dream on — the conversation is over.

    Most profanity will be trapped by our mail page or our server's mail filters, and as such will never reach anyone with a heartbeat. In the event that you manage to sneak something vulgar and puerile past the filters, please note that our support staff won't respond to it, except to suggest that you rephrase your message.

  6. Quote your previous message thread: This one's really important. If you write to us and we write back to you, and then you write more stuff back to us — a phenomenon referred to as a "message thread" — you must quote the entire ongoing thread in its entirety in each message. If you fail to do so, whoever you've been corresponding with won't know what's happened earlier.

    Our support staff typically answer hundreds of messages per day, and hoping they'll be able remember one that took place hours or days earlier is a bit like hoping bricks can sing.

    If you don't quote your message thread, your mail will not be routed back to the staff member you have been communicating with. It will eventually fall through to our mail librarian, who will send you a message asking you to quote your message thread. This is a general waste of time, and totally unproductive.

    In addition to quoting your message thread, please be certain not to remove or modify the Subject field of our message back to you — this is part of our spam filtering system — and do not delete or modify the signature of the staff member you have been communicating with, typically a dash followed by two or three letters.

  7. Don't send us advertising: Please avoid using the e-mail form to send us messages that promote your product, service, business, web page, charity, invention or other enterprise. Doing so would be a really bad idea. We regard such messages as spam.

    We also consider inquiries about employment to be unsolicited advertising. At such time as we find ourselves to be in need of staff, we'll announce our requirements at our web page and through our update postings. Failing this, all positions at Alchemy Mindworks should be considered filled.

    We'd like to take this opportunity to point out that unsolicited adverting which includes the phase "press release" won't fool anyone, and is no less objectionable than any other form of spam. Press releases should be directed to the press, which we are not.

    In the event that you ignore this request, your e-mail address — and very likely your entire domain — will be added to the permanent kill list for our mail servers. That you may feel that whatever you're promoting is so unspeakably worthwhile as to transcend these considerations will not change our response.

  8. Suggestions and ideas: We value suggestions for improvements and enhancements to our applications, and if you have one, we'd enjoy hearing from you.

    Please note that we are unable to compensate the authors of suggestions or ideas communicated to us, and by the act of communicating your suggestions or ideas to us, you grant us permission to implement them in any way we see fit. The lawyers made us say that.

    We do ask that you temper your suggestions with a measure of reality. For example, we receive several suggestions a month that we could give our software away for free. We have the sense that the weather's nicer on the planets from which they originate than it is here.

  9. Don't ask for free software: Alchemy Mindworks is a for-profit business. We're mercenary capitalist swine and we're extremely proud of it. Please don't contact us requesting that we give you our intellectual property without our being compensated for it. Free software is worth what it costs.

  10. Want to track an order? We've got a link for that — please see the Order Status page.

  11. We work weekends... sort of: If you contact us over a weekend or on a holiday, we'll assist you to the best of our abilities. We try... not always successfully... to have staff check our e-mail every few hours and address problems that can be resolved with the limited resources available when no one else is around. This having been said, we usually can't address issues involving order status, order payment and complex technical issues during non-business hours.

    Please note that as is stated at our order page and as you agreed to at the time you placed your order, our support staff is unable to cancel orders after they've been placed. This is doubly true during non-business hours, when it's likely no one will see your request before the order fulfillment people warm up their credit card machines. Not to put too fine a point on it, if you bought it, you own it.

  12. Privacy: You can see the complete text of the Alchemy Mindworks Privacy document if you're interested in our privacy policy. It's deemed to be included in this document by reference. Here's the short form. We won't disclose your personal information or attributable message contents to third parties unless we're required to do so by law or you do something uncivil. By sending us e-mail, you agree that all information sent to you by Alchemy Mindworks is confidential, and may not be disclosed to third parties without our express written permission.

The lawyers made us say this: By using Alchemy Mindworks' support services in any form, you agree to be bound by all the terms and conditions in this document and documents referenced by it. You agree that Alchemy Mindworks makes no warrantee as to the functionality, accuracy, efficacy or suitability of the support to be provided to you. You agree to accept sole and complete responsibility for any loss, damage or expense caused to you or to third parties as a result of your use of the information, advice or instructions provided to you in the course of your support session, and to indemnify, hold harmless, and defend Alchemy Mindworks, its principals, employees and suppliers from and against any claims or lawsuits, including attorney's fees, that arise or result from the use of the support. This agreement is governed by the laws of the province of Ontario, Canada. Each of the parties hereto irrevocably attorns to the jurisdiction of the courts of the Province of Ontario and further agrees to commence any litigation which may arise hereunder in the courts located in the Judicial District of York, Province of Ontario.

This page and all dependent pages are copyright © 1994 — 2018 Alchemy Mindworks. No portion of this page may be reproduced in any form without the explicit written permission of the author and copyright holder.